He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This house was built for laser tag.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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