i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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