I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize