you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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