Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Vodka?
Forever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
