Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i now understand why vodka
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
