It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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