So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
