Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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