I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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