dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
