He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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