I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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