we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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