Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize