I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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