ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
