Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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