Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
