Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
