apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize