I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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