he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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