Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
