epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
