I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
