I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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