Can i not drive my cunt home
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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