You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
