he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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