Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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