well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
