Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We need to get me chipped asap
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize