So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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