I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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