What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
