I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
