Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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