If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
