youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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