he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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