We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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