oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
