dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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