If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
