Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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