What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
