are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
