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I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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