can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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