Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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