I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize