I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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