I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
