Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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