You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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