There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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