its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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