thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
